Tuesday, December 30, 2008

As the year comes to an end...

Just a quick little blog. Sitting on my grandmother in law's computer and it's as old as some of my kids... but I wanted to put some thoughts out in cyber world and off my mind.

Yesterday was December 29. Just another day for most. But for me, it was the day I was supposed to become a mother for the fifth time. Yesterday was the due date for the baby we lost back in May. I never thought that a baby I didn't plan (not that any of my other four have been planned) and never met could be missed so much. But I've wiped quite a few tears away the last few days thinking about that baby. I also have been thinking about the other mothers of Christmas. What mothers are those you say? Well the bible tells us that because Herod was so scared of losing his throne he put to death all baby boys under the age of two when he heard that Jesus had been born. We always think about Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus at Christmas. Perfectly clean, in a clean world, never having to worry or be scared. This year though, my heart still fresh with a pain I never thought I would know, my thoughts have turned to the mothers who had to hand their babies over to King Herod's men, to be killed. Babies that were ripped from their mothers arms, just because they happened to be born at the wrong time. I can empathize now. How many of those mothers wished they had been the ones that were taken instead? How many of them, faithful God-fearing Jewish women, questionned God in their time of pain and anguish?

Back when I first lost the baby a good friend called to check on me. All I remember of that conversation (besides the appreciation that the topic wasn't avoided) was when he said the scripture in Job I've repeated to myself many times... "He (God) gives and takes away." I won't pretend to understand why God allowed me to get pregnant, just to take the baby away again. Could I have needed to be taught more on pain? More about submitting myself to God's plan? I've repeated that scripture to myself many times since that day in May. Every time I hear the song with those lyrics I can't sing out loud, for fear of losing myself into a hysterical puddle of crying goo.

In my Earth centered body, trying to focus on heaven, I like to paint a little picture. It's of my Dad, who was killed when I was twelve, holding that little baby we lost. (I imagine the baby as a boy.) He never got to meet any of his grandchildren. And maybe, just maybe, God wanted to give my Daddy a special gift I couldn't give him. I named my first son after him, but I couldn't give him the gift of being the first to hold one of his grandchildren. So maybe, in heaven, my Daddy is sitting in a rocking chair, surrounded by all the other people I've lost in my life, holding my little baby... rocking him, holding him close, singing to him and thinking about me.

I'm trying to heal this pain, but there are times when the pain seems so fresh, like the day I after, when I woke up and remembered I wasn't pregnant anymore. I'm trying.

He gives and takes away... but Lord, BLESSED be YOUR name!!!

No comments: